Hello Lovelies, I saw these words about 2020 by Leslie Dwight on @lisamessenger’s Instagram and they really struck me.

During COVID in Paris, I ran the entire gamut of emotions, options, thoughts, and feelings on where we are at in the world. Locked out of my local park, in an apartment (like almost everyone in Paris) with no balcony or outdoor space, we became disconnected totally from nature. Paris without its restaurants and cafes, its florists and boutiques and all human interaction became the ‘wasteland’ for me. A place that no longer made any sense at all. 

Metal shutters pulled down on shops, street after street, roads that were empty and that felt like it would take very little time before tumbleweeds would soon roll down these once teeming Boulevards.

Every day, I filled out my document to have the right to one hour outside within 1 km of my house (I will always be grateful for this right) with police on every corner checking our every movement and probably like you, I became bewildered, shocked, confused, and at times lost my compass. 

There were good days and bad days. Days I declared I would march straight down to the divorce office the minute this was over and then other days, I thought I was the luckiest girl on the planet to be in lock down with Francesco. It was like riding an emotional tsunami and the only way to hold on and stay sane was to stay in the present. 

In the afternoons, I would spend time in a mini studio I created in my office and photograph flowers. I would remember the words of Mary Anne Radmacher “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the silent voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow’.”

And so each day I would start afresh with the goal to stay present. At some point, I ‘lent into’ the stillness. I started to question my running around the planet, the planes, trains and automobiles and what an exhausting investment of energy this takes. 

I learnt so much, what I want for the future, what I care about, what I can no longer tolerate or what I am no longer willing to keep silent about. I learnt about how I want to live and now is the time. I learnt I was privileged and that many people in the world were in tougher situations than me.

A part of me was happy for my discomfort, I knew somewhere amongst the angst there was magic and I didn’t know exactly what it was but I have had enough tough times in life to know that where there is intense discomfort, the power is released and transformation can happen. 

Just as we were released from COVID, George Floyd was killed in America and all of a sudden COVID seemed to fade away. I’ve heard the media talk about a second wave of COVID, and when that police knelt on George Floyd’s neck and killed him, I felt this is the true second wave. This is the wave we’ve been waiting for.

The outrage and global anger that followed his death and that of Breonna Taylor’s has given us all a chance to do better together. To ask ourselves, how have we got it wrong? How haven’t I been proactive? 

So as Leslie Dwight says in her above quote about 2020: “A year that finally screams so loud, finally awakening us from our ignorant slumber,” I too feel like I have come out of a slumber. 

What’s happening in America and now in the world I believe is the beginning of healing, a chance for us all to come together and find true equality for black people and the under-privileged. 

2020 made us look at our shit!! George Floyd and COVID allowed us to see all the damage we have done over the centuries on every level, nature, pollution, humanity, wellbeing, wildlife, climate change and all the compromises we have made individually in every country. 

I certainly can do better and more than I’ve been doing and I’m so very grateful for 2020 for prodding me out from my slumber. 

I can ask more questions, make a greater effort to learn about what I don’t have personal experience with. I have been naive in my ‘whiteness’ and haven’t done enough. I can be more proactive. 

I will remember 2020 as the year I truly woke up. 

What are your thoughts on 2020? What has 2020 taught you? Leave me a comment below.

In light, love and healing,

Carla x

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